Shooting the Self-Portrait

I enlisted the help of my two friends Justin and Melissa to help me film the shots that I was acting in. I began by shooting the bloody tears scene because it is such a strong visual and that is what my film really hinges upon. I painted fake blood on my face and shoulders and filmed it sitting in bed with a blanket around me. I was very careful not to show my clothing because I did not want anything dating the piece or distracting from the world I was creating by characterizing it in an un-intentional way. It was an interesting experience because I had to direct my friends and describe the shots I wanted moments before they filmed me crying. I literally had less than 5 seconds between my role as a director and my role as an actor and that required intense focus. But in a way it also made me feel more confident because I was in control of the scene in the end. This allowed me to try whatever I thought would be visually stimulating without feeling self-conscious or worried that I would mess things up.
Next I shot the sequence with the arabian dream theme. I decided to use this theme because it addresses my sleeplessness and continual exhaustion by making the moments of relief in the film appear to occur in a dream-state. That is also where the opening quote in the film comes from, a longing for the relief of sleep and the pain and fatigue that makes one want to drift off to peaceful sleep for eternity. (This is not like threatening suicide, it is a longing for enough rest. And I often feel that sleeping for 100 years will not take away my exhaustion.) The flowers (poppies) are also significant. They represent peace and sleep (like in Dorothy's poppy field) but they also represent opium. This is because someone who was very close to me fell under the intoxicating promise of nothingness that opiates provide and this lead to a chain of events that are largely responsible for the content of this film. These shots hint at the cause of my bloody tears but they also capture the alluring entrapment of the drug itself. On the flip side, the flowers are not meant to represent that one aspect alone. They also have hearts blooming in the center as a symbol of new beginnings and a healing heart. They indicate both the cause of the suffering in this film and a hope of redemption through new life. To achieve the hazy, red look of these shots I took a long piece of white stained with fake blood and wrapped it around the camera and over the lense. Then I blasted my subject (myself) with light to compensate for the obscured camera view.
Next I filmed the fake blood dripping onto the canvas and which lead to my decision not to include a title  in this film. Instead, this shot served as the title in my mind. And what is a better start to an experimental film than "The End"? But this was more than a shot at being artsy- it also indicated the other concept driving this film- it indicates another theme, the end of love.
Shooting the burning canvas was quite an experience because I waited until after midnight and went to a grave-yard and lit it on fire there with the help of a few friends and some lighter fluid. I was disappointed that the canvas held up so well- at first. But upon closer inspection, the "painting" became a multimedia piece of art to go along with my film. Even the randomly thrown match lined up with the "T" as if it was placed as an accent. They say all truly great art is a mistake and while I am not sure how the piece will be received by others it was definitely a fortunate mistake.
I filmed the shot where I am washing the blood off of my hands as a kind of spur of the moment bonus shot and it was not until later that I decided to use it as kind of a bridge in the film that shows the shots of the bloody tears and the dream sequence female fade away in a symbolic cleansing of the subject matter in this film. Even the shot that I chose to use of the magical female where she is closing her eyes in sweet repose- either her death or long awaited sleep is also showing a resolution and an end to this film. It is leaving it all behind- the film was an outlet that served its job and this sequence shows the symbolic washing away of it all. Mirroring the flower concept of new beginnings.
To create the soundtrack for this piece I took an H4n mike to the Unity Church of Wilmington and had my father play the piano and a synthesizer simultaneously for about 7 mins. Before he started, I described the piece and the major visuals and played the soundtrack for "Requiem for a Dream" as inspiration. I also asked for lots of minor chords and a range of intensity that had some pleasant, hopeful moments. Then he took over and his brilliance carried the soundtrack the rest of the way. We only did one take and then I edited it down to the duration of my film in Final Cut. To do this I had to layer multiple tracks on top of each other to make the segments of music that I had picked out of the long take flow together seemlessly. For some of the transitions I even copied one note from a sequence and stretched it out to connect the musical segments. I also layered in all the other sounds in the film by hand, the sound of the blood hitting the canvas, the match strike, the fire crackling, the running water and of course, the crying sounds.
In the editing lab I really focused on making the score match the visuals and vice-versa. I used sound cues for almost all of my cuts and strong visuals were amplified by strong swells in the music. I made my transitions by layering clips and changing their opacity so that I would have more control over their transition speed and to make sure I hit certain clips at the perfect moment to match the sound. I also overlaid a lot of my clips for their sheer graphic quality. I do not want this piece to tell a story- I want it to hint and tease at the things behind it but I want viewers to interpret it for themselves. Whatever a viewer sees in this piece is correct as far as I am concerned because at the end of the day, it is about strong emotions that are known by us all. I just want a strong reaction, I want the intensity of my experience to speak to the intensity of being alive for anyone.